It’s tap tap tap on the keyboard again, a sound I’ve hardly heard in the last few weeks, maybe even longer, yet it’s so refreshing. Here I sit recounting the last few months of 2013 with a huge sigh and relief that it’s over. Life got in the way last year. Life! How can it get in the way?! Well, it did.
I stopped doing everything except the necessary to make sure that my family didn’t fall apart, that we stayed strong and kept it together through the challenges that we faced, that I faced. Last year I was told I was severely depressed “what!!!” “Me! Get out of town” was my response, but they were right. I was on the verge of a breakdown and needed to hit the brakes fast.
So Alice had a quieter period toward the end of last year. I tried so hard to deliver, I really did but for what the blog took away, I replenished very little. My enthusiasm wained, no, I’ll be honest, disappeared and I had to extract myself to regain me, some sort of life, some peace and to take away the stress of having to tweet, FB, blog, write, research, be a Mum, friend, daughter, sister, worker, all round run around… bla bla bla every single day! Alice really did become a place that existed in a room that I didn’t want to enter. I missed being here but being here caused so much pain that I only did what I had to do and ran.
All I wanted to do was be a Mum!!! Go away everything else!! Or so I thought.
So the hard work started…
And it wasn’t long after admitting I was on a road down hill that it all changed…
I met Buddha! And he’s a genius!
He revealed the truth behind the hiding, the reality that was actually in front of me and the pain that I was hiding from. He became my best friend and we sat, most days, deliberating life together.
Have you met Buddha? You should introduce yourself. You can find him, like me, in many a book on many shelves in all the book stores and he’ll probably sit down with you too and contemplate life.
For me it was an opportunity long coming and long overdue but without getting all phsyco-analitical on you – I hit the wall of self-crisis, fell down, like a cartoon (that ‘SPLAT‘ kind of fall) and began to pick myself up again.
The entire time I spent getting to know Buddha, the guilt for not doing Alice the way I had for two years before this, hit hard, fast and furiously and we had many a conversation about this. But again, and again, I wanted to run. It stole time away from my family that made me furious. My baby girl had already spent 2 years with me sitting here day in day out! “No more!” I cried. I would have the same argument over and over again with myself every time I sat back in this chair. I had to end the relationship with it and start fresh! Really fresh but was terrified of letting go of what I loved and had built so fast in such a little time.
And that was it. It was time that was the answer. Time that I needed and in December I crashed.
And so last year I took time. Last year I searched! Last year I drifted.
The new Alice!
This year! I found myself again and I found my love, my passion and what makes me excited. At midnight 2 nights ago, all the pennies dropped, all at once and I scrambled for my phone and tapped away my ideas. And I got excited!!! Nearly waking Rob 5 times and then realising I might not get the reception I wanted waking him up in the middle of the night, I went to sleep on my new found me. The new Alice and my brilliant little plan. I love it, and that’s what matters.
I’m in love with my job again and I have a really exciting new project that I’m now working on. You’ll see it soon, I promise! And I’ve finally figured out how to share the time between Alice and my precious, beautiful family.
Until then, while I bring Alice back to life, please do stay, have a cuppa and browse through the last two years of my work in Alice.
I hope you enjoy it and I hope you hang around for more.
I’m back! And it feels so good!
Have you ever hit that wall and crashed? What did you do? What helped you regain your self?!
Have a super eve!