I sit here in the quiet of the house mesmorized by how long it’s been since I sat in this chair. Behind me lies a myriad of boxes all junked on top of one another, a perfect metaphor for the last two months of my life. I feel like I want to cry and at the same time I am happy to be back – It’s been a while! How are you?
I’m good!
It’s taken a lot of determination and motivation to get myself back in the seat of my very own Ferrari that I call Alice In Weddingland and it’s a little nerve wracking to be honest. It’s like bumping into that old friend you’ve not seen in years, you know the one you had an argument with and never spoke to again – you stand, precariously giving away not much but being very over happy towards them in order to mask the discomfort you’re feeling inside. I’m a bit like that now. It’s like starting all over again yet picking up with such intimate, well known territory all at the same time. I’m sorry I’ve been away. Writing has been the last thing I’ve been able to do for the last two months. God knows I’ve tried so many times and failed.
I failed
The amount of blog posts I have piled up waiting to publish is ridiculously scary because it puts all that pressure back on me again but it’s like any part of our lives; if it were all an easy ride we’d get pretty darn bored pretty quick and it’s always here to challenge us right? 🙂 But I’m back! Writing! And it feels good at last; it hasn’t for so long. I have sat here many times in the last two months – frozen with fear.
Let me take you back a while…this is personal, and a little hard to write but I’m going to say it. Over the last two years of running Alice, I’ve heard from a lot of people one particular comment “bloggers all seem to have anxiety”. And you know what?! Me too! But it has very little to do with blogging itself, rather that creating a blog; being able to create a world of your own where you are completely surrounded by the things you are passionate about, is the most exclusive, personal cleanse you can ever experience. And for someone with anxiety, it’s our own slice of peace and calm in a anxious world. And although for the last year I’ve had anxiety it hadn’t really affected my life because I was lucky enough to control it – that was until January this year.
I should have seen the signs but when you’re a happy, positive, ‘glass is ‘always’ full’ kind of person, something like anxiety creeps up on you without you noticing it and when Robs Dad went into a home early this year, little did I know it would spark a chain of events that would drag me under my very own bridge, all wrapped up in a pink ribbon, and keep me there.
Hell and back again
I don’t want to drag you into the details, it really isn’t necessary but what I do want to speak up about is the ‘hell’ that severe anxiety creates. One minute I was plodding along whimsically living my life and then one day I woke up and boom! Literally, I couldn’t stop feeling shaky, fearful, sad and out of control. I was a mess. I couldn’t stop crying and I couldn’t cope with anything – cooking dinner and it failing was horrific enough for me.
It sounds ridiculous but one minute you mentally cope with extreme pressure without a hitch and then, you just melt. And the worst of it all was that all I craved was my baby girl to be beside me. She makes me so deliriously happy and so taking her to school every day was a hell I had to live. I hated leaving that gate and leaving her there – I craved my comfort, I craved being happy and all that made me happy was her! I really, REALLY was a mess.
And you know the hardest part of all of it? I couldn’t cope with being down, low, sad, grumpy, miserable – every day! It was not something I had ever experienced for a prolonged period and I hated myself for not being able to snap out of it. “I’m not miserable, I’m a happy person” I would sob to Rob. “I don’t know how to be ‘glass half empty yet I am sooo empty”. I had lost myself in the mess of trauma that was the last 15 years of my life starting with losing my Mum! It was time I started being honest with myself and stopped making every one else happy and become selfish! I had to make myself happy.
So, I started again. I was so determined to get out this hell because it’s AWEFUL! It really is awful! I felt so sorry for those people who had experienced severe anxiety for years, Id had it for months and was unmistakably a mess. It takes a hell of a lot of mental power to pull yourself out. But I had to..!
Finding my own inner silence
You see, I’ve started practicing something that I began 15 years ago. Something that took me to a place of calm. I am not a Buddhist but I whole heartedly believe in the power of ‘being’ in every moment of every day. That’s what I was missing. I was always fearful of the future and had my head stuck there – if only looking forward to a few hours from now and failing the dinner again – always in the future. I was missing in the present.
Now, I am feeling more in control, more capable, more determined and more at peace than I have in over two years. Even through the hell that has been our last two months, I am calmer than I have been and I try, tryyyy to ‘just be’. Looking back, I needed it – in fact I think somehow the world was letting me know, I had to sit back, learn to breath in this fast paced life and ‘see’. Don’t panic, I am not about to don a robe, shave my head (I am far too much of a girly girl for that) and abandon you and all that I’ve created over the last two years. it’s the opposite.
Why am I writing this? I have to be honest, it’s a pretty selfish reason – to cleanse my own thoughts, my own anxiety and my own fear of doing it and secretly to help anyone else out there who knows what I’m talking about.
Only a couple of weeks ago I came upstairs to start blogging and my fingers froze! I felt so guilty for not posting for what seemed like a century (but in reality was only 3 weeks) yet the pressure of ‘having’ to get something up was too great. I had to find my love for what I do again and find the passion that I had for weddings and all things stylishly creative again. I MISSED it so much! I missed the interaction with you guys. I dearly missed meeting all the incredible people working in the industry – instead, I felt alone, swimming in a sea of ‘must do’s’ instead of ‘want to’s’. I had to ‘be’ again!
The chair that is Alice
I have craved sitting in this chair and wanting to feel it mold into me for two months now but everytime I sat here to try and post – it felt wrong and I had to listen to that.
But now, I am cosy and settled 🙂 It feels wooooonderful!
So now my fingers delicately touch the keyboard in a celebration instead. A celebration of life being nurtured back into the blog and celebration that I have finally taken that iddy biddy step that seemed so damn hard to take. I no longer feel alone in a doorway. I am, right now, in this very moment and lapping it all up because I love my job. I really do!
Thank you for hanging around! Thank you for staying so loyal to ‘Alice’ and thank you for your inspiration.
Always with heart,
Zarn x
Welcome back! *hugs*
Thanks Kelly!! I’ll gladly take that hug!! xx
Thank you for posting this. I can relate to almost every word and you have described it all so perfectly. Welcome back! And I’m so happy you have found yourself and where you are , have been the same in my business… Weeks go by and it seems like months…pressure. Have also been thinking of posting a personal explanation of myself and how I feel to explain things but couldn’t find the words. Thank you for sharing your personal words, really touching and emotional , especially when all rings so true for me too x
Oh Mia, I’m sad that you’re going through the same thing! It’s all so incredibly challenging but I can honestly say that being in the storm, if you stop, breath and listen, it becomes calm and learning how to do that at any time is the key. I hope you’re world becomes calm. I have often thought, and nearly did, set up a club/mtg thing called ‘Just Be’ for women in biz. Maybe its meant to be as there are so many of us out there going through it. Sending you huge hugs and love. I’m here, always! And thank you for your beautiful words xxx
SUCH a moving blog .. I know EXACTLY how that feels and it’s terrifying 🙁 Strength of spirit is tested to the max .. Seems to effect the more creative minds but that’s why we are creative! Sensitive and super strong all in one. Wonderful to have u back .. Huge hugs xxx
Thank you sweetheart!! That means such a great deal. I’m so happy to be here – trepidation and all 🙂 You’re so right about the ‘creatives’ though. All about balance xxx
Welcome back Alice 🙂 This is moving, I’m happy you’re feeling better though ♥
A very honest and brave post. Must have taken guts to hit that “publish” button. Hope things only get better and better for you!!
take care,
Gail
xx
Thanks Gail! Mwah! xx
Totally inspiring, to quote master Shifu ‘ yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery but today is a gift! have missed hearing your thoughts on Tea too!
A-ha! I love Master Shifu! I call Rob that all the time (don’t tell him I told you) 🙂 Thanks for your wonderful words – I will make sure I bring back the Tea too!! xxx
I’m really sorry to hear that the last few months have been so tough. As a fellow anxiety sufferer, I know exactly where you’re coming from – sometimes when life pulls the rug out from under you, it’s hard to get back up, and even more so when you’re fighting against yourself. I hope that things get better from here on out. x
Thanks Beth! It’s awesome to have the support and I hope you’re doing well! It’s all about moments. Grabbing those still ones and trying to make them last longer without the chaos. Sending you big love xx
Welcome back, Zarn! So glad you are able to come back to things you enjoy. It is important to take care of you first….people will appreciate, understand and learn from it. :). Great, heartfelt post! Now, go rock the world by storm, lady! Many people care about you and are honoured to be a part of your ride! Lots of love to you and your family, my dear. Xoxoxo
Thank you Christa! Your words made me smile!!! It feels great to be back – preparing to rock the world now!! P.S. The honour is all mine to be able to work with people like you! Big hugs xxx
Thank you for your courage in posting this. We tend to forget that there are a myriad of people out there who will catch us when we fall even though we feel we need to go it alone – we are only too human after all. I wrote a post on my own page not so long ago to the effect that we should not criticize people who inspire us when they fall down. Sometimes those that inspire us need inspiration too – your inspiration has come out in this beautiful revealing of yourself, your failings and your triumphs. Your courage. Time is the great healer, and only you can know when the time is right to step up and take back what you have temporarily put aside. Have faith in yourself once again – you will shine brighter than before 🙂 With love, Gen Little
Dear Zarn, Thank you. Thank you for your beautiful words and brutal honesty. Not many of us can put pen to paper and write from the heart, but you have shared yourself and in the process, have helped your own understanding and healing and reminded us all of some very importanat things.
I suffer from anxiety on a regualr basis and sometimes struggle with the most simple things. Some of us are just wired that way, and for others it may take a trigger to send them to a place where things are hard and dark. I believe though, that from darkness comes great learning, and that everything happens for a reason. When things are dark, we see things we wouldnt see if the lights are always on.
I think what you do and how you give is bloody marvelous and if you need to take a year off, we will all be waiting and understanding, you would be well worth the wait, your work is amazing and your health & family are no 1.Take your time and thank you again. Mel, (expat in NZ.)
So many people think that when u have depresson or a mental illness you are weak. But how wrong they are. It takes great strengh, courage and fight to move away from your fears and anxietys. Each day of our lives is a journey of learning though the darkness come truth. Its time for you to be true to you and be the amazing person who you are. U are learning to trust yourself. Xxx
Cyber snuggles! Beautifully honest post. So sorry you’ve been having such a difficult time this year, lovely to hear you are feeling better and more importantly have managed to master the art of managing your anxiety and bringing about conscious awareness of noticing how you are feeling and ‘just being’ is so powerful. Have you tried Mindfulness? xx
Thanks honey! And it’s so true what you said. Yes, mindfulness and meditation are the big keys to my calm. It’s incredible how quickly they make a change and lucky me has my own personal guru in the form of my Hubby who is a complete genius on the understanding of the unconcious mind. He has been my tower! But like anything you have to make change yourself, within yourself. Thanks for the cyber snuggles xx
Hear hear! You and hubby are lucky to have each other! 😉 xx
Well done for coming through…
I may not know you but I have come to love your work. I have been there and as I teeter on not going back there again, into that dark world where it seems like your miles away from everyone. I found your words very comforting, knowing I am not the only one that has been there has gave me a strive to do what I need to for me to stay me. Thanks for sharing these beautiful words. Keep strong and keep being you!