I admit to being woefully unprepared for my life. Seriously! And today I am the most unprepared. For the last few months you may have noticed a little quiet pause on the blog here and there. While on the surface the blog may have looked glamorous, stylish, fashionable and unique, like a treasure trove of wedding Vogue-ness, behind the scenes this shaggy haired love was in tatters.
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months of constant work I was suddenly alone, in tears all the time and craving empathy from someone who understood! Blogging every single day had left me exhausted and I was mentally ready for a bottle of wine every night just to cope, lucky for me, I’m not a big drinker. I felt guilty, hopeless, vulnerable and scared – for the first time in my life, I was behind in everything and my life was out of control – when did that happen!?
I’ve never really written many personal posts on the wedding blog, this is a happy, inspiring place right? But it’s important for me to get to know you and I’d love you to get to know me. After all, it can’t just be saturated with beautiful wedding photos, tons of stunning fashion and unique real weddings can it :-)? The reality is that behind all this beautiful imagery is Me. Someone who is not perfect and glamourous all the time, someone who finds it hard to be vulnerable when the s*** hits the fan and someone who is struggling to hit the publish button on this post right now because of it.
When I started Alice In Weddingland I was totally unaware of two things, firstly the amount of time it would so very quickly soak up and secondly the exhausting amount of social media I would have to learn and do, and it took over my life. Blogging and being a Mum suddenly made life go rushing by me.
It’s not all glam and photo shoots and most days I don’t look like this
Behind closed doors
Bbehind my nice, average sized front door, I had become exhausted. Life was a messy roundabout and I was living Groundhog day! Attempting to blog full-time, run a house, be a Mum with a 4 year old about to go to big-school, friend, sister, worker, cleaner, cook, accountant, manager, wife, researcher, oh man… the list is long and we all have these lists, but mine was suddenly overwhelming me. And the guilt of not coping was the hardest. No matter how big the puddle, I’ve always gotten around it – but this time, I’d sunk, deep!
Something was wrong!
…I was behind in emails. I still hadn’t returned the phone call to my Dad from three weeks ago. The dog was in desperate need of a haircut before he transformed into some mountain gorilla, and my washing, well, lets just say I could build Mt Vesuvius on my kitchen floor. My life was out of control and I was the ring leader. It had become one large furball of blogging madness that had taken over my life and I was starting to resent it and I was in conflict because I love it so much. I’d made a really, big mistake.
My mistake
I want to interact more with you guys on my blog: I love reading about your thoughts and your advice in your comments, so it’s only fair that I start and let you get to know my life over last few months?
Some people who know me on twitter and FB have DM’d me to say “hey, you OK? You’re not around as much anymore” and they’re right. I retreated away from twitter and the blog over the last few weeks leaving me on Facebook, because that’s what I’m really good at and I find it easy so it doesn’t take up a lot of my time. But I had to do it, I needed the break. It took Rob a lot of jumping up and down to convince me to do it, but I did so that I could come back, refreshed and vibrant.
Oh, and that big mistake I mentioned, was my inability to stop, take a breath, look around and take care of myself. I foolishly took on so much thinking that “I can cope”, and I could, that was until life around me got crazy. Everything was going wrong, and this year has been the hardest year for us as a family with a licorice allsorts of things happening around us and that’s when I started to crumple, totally unaware of it happening, I started to lose control of my life.
For some reason somewhere along the way I suddenly forgot to be the boisterous, loyal, fashion addicted, wedding loving creative that taps away and adores her day job and runs a great, fun ship at home. Instead the stress of life meant I lost my sense of humour. I thought I could manage the Superwoman role and run a home and be self employed. Don’t we instinctively cope with all the challenges once we’re a Mum? Taking on board a wedding blog would be easy peesy right?! Insert reality check… being a Mum and working is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life! Honestly! Your dedication gets divided into the stratosphere, your patience gets tested, again and again, and you lose all sense of self. You become a robot! And I-was-a-robot!
The blog took over my life and life took over me
In January this year, when my blog suddenly took off, I ran with it, working harder, faster and doing everything I could to keep it building, I had accepted my first sponsors in December last year so that meant I was a business and I had to act like one – something I was not prepared for until September this year when Boo would be starting school and I would have a lot more time. But in January this year I kept going; emails, twitter, Facebook, wedding shows, lunches, networking, researching, googling, reviewing, reading… take a breath… cooking, cleaning, taking Boo out, reading to Boo, teaching Boo, helping Boo, get ready for school everyday, oh, don’t forget lunch with friends, friends birthday parties, shopping, bill paying, move house, entertain family from Australia… SOMEONE STOP THE WORLD FROM SPINNING! And it did… in July, I crashed!
Unable to cope with everything while trying to cope with my life, I hit the bottom.
The guilt set in
Suddenly I was waking up in the morning uninspired. I was unprepared for everything that was going on around me and was unable to cope with the pressures of even the little things. I just wanted my life back!!! But I love what I do, I love the industry and I think I’m good at it and I was not prepared to lose what I had worked so hard for. Something had to change. We all have limitations right? I just had to discover what mine were, to stop feeling so sorry for myself and to take control. Easier said than done! But I had to. I was fed up with going to bed feeling guilty as a Mum for one reason or another or guilty for not doing something on/with the blog that day.. what was I posting tomorrow, did I email Jo Blow, can I make the meeting next week…
I hadn’t blogged as much as I wanted to since July and I felt so guilty because of it. I wasn’t blogging everything that I loved either and this made me feel like a fraud. I was guiltiy for not spending time with the two people I crave, guilty for not being the mother and wife I craved to be, guilty for not spending time with friends, guilty for not creating this or that… just guilty! I had become the Queen Of Hearts and was pacing the lounge room happy at nothing and cranky at everything.
It was time for a change
And it happened in the most obscure places…
Have you ever experienced one of those monumental moments when you realise you suck at life but it’s time for a change and it’s OK. This is what I had last week. That little, sometimes aggravating voice in our heads, you know the one that badgers and badgers and becomes incredibly annoying sometimes. Well that voice forced me to listen to it in the middle of Sainsburys, Sainsburys‘! Can you imagine it, a nearly 40 something year old woman standing in the tea/coffee isle in tears, staring at a box of Twining’s Earl Grey. It must have been a hilarious yet confusing site to see for passers by.
But for me the world disappeared in that moment. I suddenly realised that I hadn’t sat down and enjoyed a cup of tea in silence, for months. Instead I had my iPhone or iPad in my hands or thoughts and ideas running around in my head for AIW. I hadn’t had a break even over the one thing that used to be my own little ritual, my cups of tea and just enjoyed ‘being’.
The spirit of life
Yes the last few months in the AIW household have been a wash of colourful displays of emotions, exhaustion and crankiness but I WANTED to change, I NEEDED to change because life was passing by and I was starting to miss it. I procrastinated over the post today because of it’s subject – exhaustion, vulnerability – especially when I consider wedding blogs to be a happy, vibrant environment – who am I to lay my vulnerabilities on the table in such a place – but blogs are real places, with real people taping away behind the screens and in reality, we have warts and all. Somebody said to me a couple of days ago – its your blog, you’re behind it, just be! So here I am trying to just ‘be’, I hope you don’t mind 🙂
For the last few days I have embraced just being again: letting each moment sit with me, no matter what I’m doing, being it blogging or picking up Boo from school. Life’s getting happy again, I’m smiling again and I woke up this morning ready to bounce out of bed.
I wanted to write this post today, no matter how personal it is for me, or how hard because to me because I think it’s important to hear time and time again, that we’re not alone. Life does suck sometimes but it’s how you make life happen that counts, even through those times. Without getting all D&M on you, it’s during these times that we are reminded of who we are and what lies beneath the facade. Sometimes we just need a kick up the backside. I had become so suffocated in ‘life’ and its busyness around me that I’d forgotten the most important thing about any relationship, be it in a marriage, with your friends or with your children, and for me, with you. And that is, honesty and vulnerability. The reality is that life has ups and downs and no matter who you are it feels so damn good to be human!
I struggled to hit the ‘publish’ button on this post today as the thought of nobody responding to it, nobody hitting the like button, nobody being inspired by my vulnerabiltity and me laying it all out there is really, really, scary. But I’m prepared, I’m finally prepared. {And I do hope you comment :-)}
The loves of my life: my inspiration, my motivation!
And she was right.
Sometimes i like to curl up in a ball, it’s the title of the book by Charles Fuge that I read to Boo last night. It’s about a little wombat who isn’t afraid to ‘be’ himself from jumping up and down and being boisterous, to sitting quietly and watching the world go by, get messy, staying clean and sometimes, when life’s a little too scary, he curls up in a ball. I had huge empathy with that little wombat last night; I realised I wanted to be that little wombat and just be!
It’s a hard thing life, sometimes, but if you don’t stop once and a while and look around… you might miss it.
Whatever you get up to today, just be!
P.S. There is so much more rummaging around in my mind that I want to say like not just ‘being’, but being you! The real you! The whole ethos behind Alice In Weddingland is being unique by being you and somehow I’d lost that in myself, but I’m back and getting better at being me!
P.P.S. I’d love to hear from other bloggers, business owners and work at home Mums? How do you cope? How do you manage that out of control feeling? What’s your respite? If you have any remedies I am waiting with cuppa tea in hand to hear your advice.
Zarn, a really deeply personal post and it’s really nice to read, in a good way 🙂 Thank you for sharing and being ‘real’, you are a breath of fresh air in my muddy day! Lori xxx
My dear Zarn,
One lump or two? Here we go…
I am spooked by how our lives are in sync and we have still yet to meet! But here, I’m sending you a massive virtual hug.
Nearly everything that you have gone through has happened to me in the last 10 days. I hit a wall with my work, I crashed, the fallout was hubby breaking his hand and I had a massive anxiety attack last Thursday night before his operation.
Now I’m seeking help for any mislaid underlying conditions because now I’m frightened.
I’m not sure if we’re in Kansas anymore. Any room in Wonderland?
As much as we want to give so much of ourselves in the things we love and want to inspire people, we get sidetracked by that very chase. You know I’m a big admirer of your achievements, insomuch as a finding inspiration. You have done an incredible amount of work in such a short space of time. You are making waves baby!
So right you are that we have to stop and look around, take a deep breath and embrace all that makes who you are and Number One are your Loved Ones.
As far as respite – simply to give it time, everything else can wait.
xxx
Kat, you bought tears to my eyes to think you’ve felt like that in such a small space that is ten days. The reality of life can seem so daunting that we’re tempted to run and hide but it’s the glory in knowing that we’re trying that matters.
Thank you for your support and divine input in the blog. My heart and ears are all yours anytime and I look forward to that real cuppa tea that we are so overdue for. Xxx
I completely understand where you’re coming from!
I have 2 beautiful children (14 months and 27 months! ), I work (at Sainsbury’s!) and I have JUST completed a course in Wedding Planning, while living with no kitchen because we’ve just moved our small family with LOTS of stuff into a 2 bedroom flat that needs a LOT of work…
Sometimes you just need time for yourself! Whether that’s going out with some friends window shopping or just reading a book before bed. You need time to be YOU and not what everyone else wants you to be. Of course, you have to get everything done too, but if you don’t take that time out to do something for you, you will eventually crash and won’t be able to be what everyone needs, because it’ll exhaust you.
I’m glad you’re feeling better now and that you’ve taken some time for you, don’t forget this next time you get so buried in your work that you forget to wash!
x
Your post was personal and touching. Your vulnerabilities let me know there’s someone who cares about what they post and me the reader, it makes this real, not a high falluting blog who’s just out to post pretty pictures.
Keeping it real.
Regardless of which or how many roles we play throughout our lifetimes theres nothing to prepare us for being an ‘expert’ in them, theres also no prerequisite on how much each person can take. I think if a lot of us were honest we would all admit to having multiple times in our life where eveything just got too much, and there are still times yet to come no doubt. I also have had to remove myself from the whirlwind of social media as unfortunately there are people who seem to get a kick out of making me miserable and think that its ok to put others down and eveything is a competition. I’m not interested in a competition about who is better blah blah boring yawn. I am only interested in being a genuinely nice person. And if thats all I do in life I am happy. We are all put under far too much pressure these days and we ourselves are often the ones who put the most pressure on ourselves. We are the toughest slave drivers! I am not being so tough anymore for my own personal sanity and since then I feel much more in control and a normal human being.
From one burnt out to another, you are FRABJOUS no matter, tell yourself every day as ita your mantra!
I think that’s a perfectly normal feeling to have. Sometimes you wish life would stop, but it doesn’t. Dinners don’t cook themselves, the house does’t clean itself and children require a lot of attention. Hopefully things will get easier for you now your little’un is in school? It provides a daily routine for you both – i.e. you know you have from 9 – 3 to blog, network and tweet and then it’s time for some family time.
My top tip to staying sane? Don’t stop doing the things you love, and keep talking to those you love. As a family we go for a walk every evening after work/ school and ALWAYS eat dinner at the table so we can talk about our days. Make time to see friends and ask for help when you need it.
Your blog is a delight to read and I look forward to discovering more unique wedding ideas when you’ve found your mojo again. In the meantime, bravo for being so brave.
I just whispered a little prayer for you. And me. And all the other overachievers out there who can never live up to their own perfect ideals. Sometimes all the gifts we are blessed with begin to feel more like curses. May you feel the comfort of His loving arms wrapped tightly around you. Breathe in the peace…
Hi Zarn
Sending a big hug and kiss. Life has a strange way of slowing us down sometimes but go with it theres always light at the end of any dark tunnel. We’ve all been there at some time or another in our lives even if we don’t admit to it publicly. Very brave post. Julia x
Zarn, this is the most beautiful post I have read in a very long time, why, because it is honest and real. You are a very beautiful lady and I enjoy reading all your posts, you have inspired me over the last 12 months. We had many laughs when I was in your home country!
So a little about me too, you see I had to give up working when my mum was diagnosed with cancer, then dad diagnosed with asbestosis. That was my wake up call as I called it. I still look after mum every day. Whilst looking after dad before he passed away, something within me started to stir all my thoughts again of the crafting I had done many years before when my two boys were small and I was a stay at home mum.
When I first started on facebook, you were one of the first blogs I came across and you inspired me to do my crafting again.
Now I work as and when I want to, I do not allow myself to feel guilty at not working one day, yet the next day I may create something quite beautiful.
Zarn, be the wife and mother, that is the most important part of life, then do your blog, let it take second place or even third. But do it because you love your work and you enjoy it. Now, if that changes and you do not enjoy it anymore, then it is time to stop.
You are one very special lady.
Andrea xx
I sit and read your responses and am so deeply touched by them! It was such a huge deal for me to hit that ‘publish’ button and shaky finger and all, I did it – your comments make it all so worth it. Thank you for your advice and for sharing your story. Inspiration comes from other people, thats it’s birth and from there it’s about sharing life and our experiences to make each others better. Julia, thank you for my hug and kiss, it was graciously accepted. Andia, you are a beautiful woman and to think the blog has helped inspire you makes me so happy, it really does. This is why I do it. Ann, thank you for your comfort and Lucy – I love your mantra!!! I look forward to chatting with you so much more and thank you from the bottom of my heart for your support! Mwah!!!
Brave post, I’m not an eloquent person but over the years moments like yours have been part of my life but they are moments. Life is a journey and we take the routes we choose, some are difficult and some easy , the only advice I have to offer is which ever route you are on always pause and sit a while be if for rest or just to enjoy the moment. Life’s always better which ever route you choose with a cuppa tea 🙂 and silence to dream.
Zarn – an amazing post and all so close to home. I think we all strive so hard to be ‘perfect’ but actually, it’s important to remember that if we didn’t have the ‘downs’ we wouldn’t appreciate the ‘ups’.
When it all gets too much for me I try to take a day out and do something I love – whether it’s a long walk on the beach with the dogs or going to the pictures on my own and eating a big tub of chocolate ice cream! It’s important to remember we’re not just about the work, but we need to appreciate and enjoy all areas of our lives – not in a pressured way, but in a way that makes us happy. We only have one life and I try to think about how mine will be when I look back on it – what will I think was important and what should I have let go – it helps me get it into perspective.
I’ve been in awe of your blog since I first read it – it’s so inspiring – but partly because it obviously comes from the heart. Well done for being you and for sharing – I know it must have been hard to write but it’s honestly good for all of us to know that other people’s ‘perfect’ lives are actually just like our own – with flaws and problems – and it helps us all to admit it and to be as authentic as we can ourselves!
Much love,
Ali xx
Zarn, what a beautiful post, personal and intimate. I know how it feels, we are given chances to do something special, but that something special takes work, lots of it. I am inspired by you and know that I love your blog not only for all the lovelies you have, but also for the real person behind it all. You have become a friend far away, a kindred spirit. Tears are rolling down my cheeks as I write, because I am in that same place, but most time we don’t realize we all need a break now and them to reconfigure and pamper ourselves. So my luv, let’s make a pledge to seat down you in UK, me in US, with a cup of tea, each day, embrace each other, send good vibes. You are a wonderful spirit, sending you much love and fab wishes.
Dear Zarn, as women we are, our worst critics! You do a fantastic job honey and so what if you ignore your blog for a while, we’ll still be here for you when your ready (hell I ignore mine for a month sometimes… hence just reading yours).
Weddings are a stressful business and sometimes it feels like people are constantly out to steal your ideas/business.. blah blah blah, but hey, you’ve made it! you deserve to chill!
It is very healthy to switch it all off, phones too and spend some time chilling with the kids! I find just taking mine for a walk into the fields/over the woods then coming back to a nice cup of earl grey a must for my own sanity, you should try it. Also reading a good book… nothing related to what you do, just something to get lost in. I truly find this is the only way to stop my overactive business mind from constantly wurring.
I hope your feeling better now honey!
Look after yourself.
Emma x