It was an overcast day threatening rain. The limp, grey clouds moved in a silent trickle across the sky matching my own quiet. I stood, staring into the mirror as my thoughts fell distant to my family and my home – all the things missing on my wedding day. Wishing with all my heart that my Mum was still alive, beside me.
I looked skyward and wished somehow for a miracle I knew wasn’t coming and closed me eyes.
I felt very alone.
‘I’m on my own’ I thought, but I’m OK. I’m going to walk down the aisle with Rob’s Dad, not my Dad, but that’s OK too. ‘ And my family, oh god my family.’ drawing out a long breath I looked in the mirror and nodded to the girl looking back at me. ‘We’re OK with that, really‘ But what wasn’t’ OK was what I saw in that hazy mirror in front of me, and it was too late!
Today I’m getting married. Today I’m walking down the aisle to be his wife, today is my wedding day, ‘so why the hell don’t I feel like a Bride?’ I screamed in my head. It’s just not fair!
Thanks to the new laws of immigration we could no longer stay engaged and had been forced to marry sooner than we’d planned or I had to leave the country and go back to Australia. “Leave?!” There was no way in hell I was going to lose my soul mate to 8000 miles or more just because of red-tape! We’d dreamt of our wedding for months and it was going to be a wonderful, whimsical and big affair, though we never got that choice! Instead here I was staring at the girl in the mirror, ready to go to the registry office and do what we were supposed to do with not a single feeling of being a Bride-to-be!
I knew that we had no choice: limited budget, even smaller time frame to get married, ‘but in this, this dress’ I thought ‘this is not a wedding dress’! Why couldn’t I wear something else? Why did we have to get married today? Why couldn’t I have the wedding we’d dreamt of having together all those months ago while lying on the beach in Port Douglas. Why!? Why!? Why!?
I felt very alone!
I stared at my made up eyes, the eye shadow clinging to my skin in an attempt to mask the pain and thankfully it worked, on the outside at least, but inside I craved to see the Bride in the mirror. The one hiding in my heart, the one steeped in romance reliving an Officer And A Gentleman as he carries me over the threshold. Instead, it was just me, in a blue dress.
Looking in the mirror, tears fell silently down the face of the girl staring back at me. As the hustle and bustle of everyone outside the bathroom began to muffle, I cried, alone. Why am I standing here in a blue, off -the-shelf formal dress when I’m about to marry the man I adore. ‘Damn it’ I muttered as I stared at her lips, a quiver escaping them. I just want him to see me glide toward him, towards our marriage and toward our life together as his Bride as the love of his life in a stunning wedding dress, not a blue, formal dress!!
“Zarn” came a voice outside the door. “Half an hour to go sweetheart”. “Thanks” I replied with forced excitement. I’m about to marry the love of my life, my soul-mate, the man who makes me feel alive and all I can do is cry over a stupid dress!
“You can not wear a white dress again” I’d been told a thousand times. “Not if you’ve been married before” – oh such stigma!!! “Pahhh” a muttered. They would follow with a scuff and a huff as they told me I could never wear white again or even a wedding dress for that matter. So I didn’t. I followed what everybody else was telling me to do and here I was standing in front of the mirror regretting my decision, regretting not standing up for myself, my choices, my dreams! “Damn it” I banged the sink with my open hand.
But then something took over, something that I can not explain. I looked up in that mirror, looked down at the dress and knew, it didn’t matter, it couldn’t matter. What mattered was that today, I became Rob’s wife. That today, no matter what red, blue or yellow tape we had to cross we became husband and wife, and I began to feel the strength of that dream surge inside me. This is what we’re doing today and damn it if it’s not my dream dress, he is my intention, his love is my desire and I crave being his wife!!!
So I wiped away the tears, powdered my face and drew glossy lines on my lips. “We’re about to become his wife” I said to the girl in the mirror, ‘and that is our dream come true’…
A year later on another overcast day I was looking into that same mirror and I knew, in 9 years, when we reach our 10 year anniversary, Rob would see me in wedding dress, not a blue one, not a formal one and we were going to renew our vows with the kind of words that came from our heart, not from a notebook telling us to say ‘till death do us part’ and ‘to have and to hold’.
So now here I am, in front of my computer screen about to write my vows and remember the beautiful ten years we’ve had together with all it’s zigs and zags and all I can think about is the wedding dress that I’ll be wearing in 4 weeks time, the one that’s being designed just for me by the beautiful Emma Tindley as part of an Alice in Weddingland collection and all I can dream about is the look upon Rob’s face when he finally gets to see me in a wedding dress.
Dreams, can come true. Sometimes they just don’t happen when you expect them too.
Keep dreaming and don’t give up – ever!!!
2002 – our wedding day. Photo taken in our back garden!
I’ll be posting more about my ten year heartache every week until the big day. Until then, I hope you’ll join my adventure towards our ten year anniversary and the wedding of my dreams – August 9th, 2012!
Love always, Zarn x
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